i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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