I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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