I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
