Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
