I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
