I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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