brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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