It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
