He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
