my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
