Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
