Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
