Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So here I am, sexting at work.
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