I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
