I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
