every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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