Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
