I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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