His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
