He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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