I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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