My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
