please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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