Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
