That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
