When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
high people should be assigned attendants
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
