There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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