The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
