If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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