you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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