I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
