Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
