Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
