My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
