So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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