your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
