How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
