I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
