nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
