He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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