You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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