Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
