I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She tied me up with her honor cords...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
