Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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