is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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