OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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