Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
