Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
