I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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