we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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