I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she looked like the before picture.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
