Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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