i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
