One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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