I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
