she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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