if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
