My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
