i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
