Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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