I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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