I just pynch a tree in the face
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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